


Every time

by Summerofsnowflakes



Category: Blindspotting (2018), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Love, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27225421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Summerofsnowflakes/pseuds/Summerofsnowflakes
Summary: The Reader and Rafael attempt to navigate through their very messy breakup but it's never easy to let go of the love of your life.
Relationships: Rafael Casal/Original Female Character(s), Rafael Casal/Reader, Rafael Casal/You
Kudos: 3





	Every time

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Angst, Sexual themes, Heartbreak, Alcohol, Drug Use and Addiction. Wow I really went the full nine yards with this one…. 
> 
> This is the first time I have written for Rafa so I hope I did him justice. This is kind of based on Every time by Ariana Grande, I adore the song and kind of felt inspired so I ran with the story. I really hope it is enjoyed.

She awoke up in a groggy haze, blinking a few times so her eyes could focus in the dark room. Her head was throbbing, her hangover from the night before had already arrived and she was aware of the faint snoring coming from the other side of the bed. She didn't need to look to know it was Rafael, she also didn't need to check the under the sheets she was tangled in to know she was naked. The vivid memories of last night flooded Y/n's mind as she laid there. It had started with just texts and then the calls started that pulled each other away from their friends, that led to needing to see one another which always leads to sex. Now here she was, lying in his bed regretting everything as she had so many time before.   
  
This is how almost every night out had ended for the two exes, they resumed this new kind of relationship after their very messy breakup six months ago. As Y/n laid there, calmed by the soft snores she thought back over their relationship. It had been great to begin with, they were made for one another and they feel hard and fast. From the start everything was fueled by raw emotion, Y/n let him see every part of her and he returned this by doing the same. She knew when they got together his mental health wasn't great, but she did all she could to be the sunshine on his dark days. Rafa developed a habit and before Y/n could catch him from falling it became serious. His drinking and drug use only got worse, she couldn't remember a time when he was sober in the last few months they had together. She was hurting so badly and she tried her best to keep a handle on the situation and their relationship, but he had only seen that as her trying to control him. They both reached their breaking point and ended everything in flurry of tears.   
  
She wept silently at the memories, it was all too much to bear for her. She had to get out now, but as she stood up to get her clothes the alcohol that was still in her system rushed to her head and she tripped over her heels. The noise she made startled Rafa awake and she felt her heart sink. This was not apart of their usual routine, usually the person who stayed over slipped out silently to avoid the sober conversations and the reminder of what could have been. Rafa spoke first, "Hey".   
"Uhhh hi, sorry I wasn't trying to wake you." She spoke softly and resumed getting dressed. More successfully this time around.  
"Are you okay?" His voice strained as he asked.   
Y/n paused in place with her back turned to him. "Bit of a loaded question Rafa." She knew he was asking about the fall but he mind was still stuck thinking about their relationship and she couldn't help the sarcasm in her retort. She hadn't seen the way his demeanour dropped in defeat as the words came out, it cut him deep. She didn't turn to look at him again, she couldn't trust herself not to climb back into bed with him and play happy families. She took a deep breath and spoke again, "I'll see you soon."   
Y/n walked out before he could utter another word. She didn't hear him say "I love you" as she left.   
  
Her second attempt to sneak about that morning failed as she tried to creep into her flat without rousing her flat mates. Everyone knew how volatile Y/n and Rafa had become for one another and for the most part she tried to avoid the topic with her friends. Unfortunately for Y/n they were both in the kitchen drinking their morning coffee and discussing the previous night. She saw the disappointment in their eyes as they bore into hers and she had no explanation for them. She knew they only cared and had her best interest at heart, they had tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, but she wouldn't allow them to. She had excluded herself from all things that normal life had to offer. The only thing she had done for months was sit alone in her room or go out and get drunk. As she stood there in silence and seeing their faces, she had no words and all she could only stare blankly back at them while they spoke.   
Emily spoke first, "Hun, you need to talk to us."   
Anita jumped in straight after. "Yeah, we're so worried about you. You don't sleep, you barely eat, you've lost so much weight recently and the only thing you're interested in is going out and drinking."   
"I'm convinced you only go out because you know you'll see him Y/n." Em continued.   
Y/n felt a lump in her throat, they had it exactly right. "You just wouldn't understand." She whispered in attempt to deflect.   
"Then help us understand, we don't want to see you like this anymore."   
How could she make them understand? Rafa was the great love of her life, they were so deeply connected. They had shared so much pain together, pain that was still holding them both in place. Maybe this is why she avoided the topic with them. She knew they would get through to her and she wasn't ready to accept it was over just yet. She bowed her head to hide her face and said "I'm just not myself when I am not with him. It's like I lose a bit more of myself every day that we're apart. No matter what I do, I go back every time because for a small amount of time I feel like the old me." She was crying hard now and her eyes were screwed shut. She was shocked by the two sets of arms embracing her as she let it out and they stood there for the longest time allowing her to calm down.   
Em grabbed her face so their eyes were in line "I know it's hard Y/n, but you are so much more than your relationship. You had a life before him and you will have one after him." Y/n nodded her head in response and Anita still held on to her lovingly from behind.  
For the first time in months she felt as though she could breath on her own and she had to thank her friends for being so amazing. She allowed herself to integrate back in with the girls and they spent the rest of the day cuddled up on the sofa together under a duvet, watching trashy films and eating junk food. That night when the texts started up Y/n blocked his number, it hurt and it was hard but she knew she needed this.  
  
This was the first step to moving on and starting her life afresh, without Rafa. 

  
That sentiment lasted all of two weeks. For fourteen whole days Y/n detoxed herself, she ate three full meals a day, she only drank water and tea. She didn't touch a drop of alcohol to avoid impairing her judgement and calling him and had even missed out two nights out with the girls. If she kept herself busy enough she was almost convinced that she didn't even miss him. She did everything she could think of to avoid thinking about him. She tried to avoid picking up her phone, worried that she would 'accidentally' unblock him.  
  
There was an awkward feeling in her flat that very Saturday two weeks later. Daveed's birthday party was tonight, none of the girls could avoid it. They had all been in the same friendship group once and none of them were about to let him down. Y/n tried so hard not to worry. Unfortunately the anxiety was determined to win and her heart was beating out it's chest uncontrollably. She took a deep breath in allowing it to wash over her, very aware that the longer she fought it the worse it would get.   
Quietly she whispered to herself, "You'll be fine, you're going to have a good night." She repeated this to herself again and again throughout the whole getting ready process, until she was finished. She stared at herself and feeling good because she knew she had a killer outfit on and her make-up looked flawless. "I'll be okay." Y/n had been so nervous that she had already started drinking way before the party. It was the only way she could calm her nerves. Two weeks it had been since she had seen him or let him dominate her thoughts. Tonight he would be unavoidable. 

It seemed everyone else had the same idea to turn up a little tipsy or high. When Daveed came over to greet the girls Y/n could smell the alcohol and weed on him. There was no denying it. Rafael wasn't far behind him, red eyed and body swaying, he smiled at her not really noticing Emily or Anita as he walked over. Y/n returned his smile but turned her back on him and walked to the kitchen to fix herself a drink while the girls spoke to Daveed about his birthday. As she poured out her wine into the biggest wine glass she could find, she hadn't noticed that Rafa had followed her into the kitchen.   
"Now that is a big glass of wine." His voice startled her as she was lost in her own thoughts momentarily.   
"It's been a long week."   
"You're telling me, it's been a long two weeks, my dream girl's been ignoring me, she even blocked my number." He said hanging his head dramatically.   
"Maybe she had good intentions for both of you." She reasoned and now looking at him she realised how much she had missed him.   
"You're probably right, do you think she'll ignore me the whole night though?" He inquired with a bit of hope.   
Y/n thought momentarily, still unsure and fighting her tipsy brain to answer logically. She knew she be avoiding him but as he stood across from her, looking so good she knew that she's already lost the battle. "I think you might be lucky tonight."   
He laughed, his beautiful laugh, it engulfed her brain and he closed the gap between them, clasping his arms around her. Her nose was met with the smell of weed and the sober part of her sighed sadly as the drunk Y/n took over completely. She knew in the back of her mind that she would be regretting him in the morning.   
  
All the hard work she had done to move forward came undone in seconds and it was completely forgotten. She ignored the looks her friends gave her as they made their way out of the kitchen together and set up camp together on a sofa away from everyone else in the party. They were in their own little world as they caught up, both in very good spirits and not noticing that they were being watched subtly by all their friends, who were all stunned by the sight. They looked like a couple again as if nothing bad had ever happened. The party through itself into full swing, drinking, drugs, dancing and games and for a little while Y/n and Rafa stayed on the sofa ignoring the party go by, Y/n sat on his lap and traced circles on her bare leg.   
  
"Rafa, you down for beer pong, my man?" Daveed shouted over the crowd, breaking their conversation. Rafa saw Diggs holding a cup and ping pong ball and looked back to Y/n silently asking if she wanted to play too. She nodded and followed him over to the make-shift set up.   
"Sorry Y/n, I need my partner in crime back for this game, we an unbeatable team you know." Daveed patted her sympathetically.   
"Oh yeah so unbeatable, which is why every time I play against you, you lose." Y/n retorted. She looked around for the girls, Emily was too busy chatting up a very attractive lady, but Anita was free and by her side instantly to be on her team.   
Rafa jumped in this time. "Funny, I remember someone crying and throwing a tantrum the last time we played because she lost."   
"That's the only time I've lost against you both and I only got pissed off because you said, and I quote 'it's just a game'."   
They were both in stiches laughing at her as she got worked up over the memory of losing. Y/n really was a sore loser.. "Fuck you both, just start the game."   
  
The game started off very friendly with the boys taking the lead early on, but the girls easily caught then up. Now it was down to the wire, both teams had one cup left each and the energy around the table was tense. No one spoke as Y/n lined herself up as best as she could now that her head was foggy from the alcohol and she felt herself sway slightly. She took the shot as best as she could but managed to land in the last cup. From beside her Anita jumped and squealed. "You did it Y/n, we won!" Y/n turned and jumped around with her. She momentarily turned back to Daveed and Rafa who looked very pissed off and stuck her middle finger up at them both, laughing a little too evilly.   
"I forgot she's just as much of a sore winner as she is when she loses." Daveed said quietly and they walked over to the girls on the other side of the table.   
"I didn't." Rafa replied and laughed quietly to himself. Despite losing, he felt a little sense of pride over watching Y/n win. He slung his arm over her shoulder, pulling her into him again. "Well done baby." He whispered in her ear and once again they slipped back into their own world away from the party.   
"Maybe you should consider a new partner in crime for party games. It's clearly not working out for you." She said teasingly.   
"You might be right about that."   
  
Unsurprisingly, Y/n found herself back in Rafa's bed that night. The happiness from the party quickly turned into a hungry neediness for one another. Y/n was easily wrapped in Rafa's arms early into the morning, tangled once again in the sheets with her lace underwear discarded on the floor. As they lay there in the post-sex bliss, Y/n softly traced her fingers along his tattoo's, dipping in and out of sleep while rafa sang quietly to her.   
"Y/n are you still awake?" He asked, grogginess evident in his voice.   
"just about."   
"We always end up coming back to each other, don't we?"   
"Every time."  
Neither of them uttered another word, nothing more needed to be said.   


That was the last time the spoke to each other or saw each other for six months. Something changed for Y/n and Rafa after that night, for Y/n it felt like closure. He remained blocked on her phone and she thought that was for the best. She really had felt like she was moving on, she had been on a few dates, even had a few dick appointments; although, none were as good as him. She told herself it was the best way to move forward, she had been too static for such a long time.  
  
As she sat in front of her full length mirror doing her make-up for a girls night out, a very long overdue night out.   
Anita popped her head into Y/n's room. "You ready?"   
Y/n smiled, "yeah, let's go."   
The three best friends welcomed the others girls in their friendship group around for drinks before they went out and they all shared their intentions for the night. Drinking and laughing, Y/n felt at ease and when it came to her turn she laughed. "To go home alone." She said and they all cheered in response. In this moment Y/n felt the best she had for such a long time. 

The girls danced the night away in small and sweaty club, the music vibrating through them and the drinks flowing heavily. At exactly 1AM in a grubby club toilet and all alone for the first time in the night, Y/n made the decision to unblock Rafael's number. She didn't tell anyone she was going to do it but it was at exactly 1AM that she peaked and in her drunken state she wanted to talk to him. She reasoned with herself that it had been long enough and it would be just old friends catching up now, if he answered. She sent him a quick text to see if he was up and within a matter of seconds her phone vibrated in her hand, his name and photo flash up on her screen. Her breath caught in her throat and she picked up but didn't say anything allowing him to speak first.   
"Y/n. Are you okay?" She thought she could hear it straight away, the almost too relaxed tone to voice and just assumed he was high like he always was. She had always just wanted to fix him. "Y/n?"   
She let a shaky breath. "I just wanted to hear your voice."   
"Are you out?" He asked hopefully.  
"Yeah I'm at Leadmill with the girls."   
"Really? I'm in the smoking area, why don't you come and say hi."   
"Are you alone?" Y/n inquired, she wasn't in the mood for loads of people right now.   
"I'm with Digg's but I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, he's quite faded." He laughed slowly obviously looking at Daveed as he said this.   
"I'll be out in a second."   
  
Y/n made her way out of the bathroom very aware of the dirty looks she was receiving as she left for taking so long in the cubicle. She tried to see the girls as she made her way over to the smoking area hoping she wouldn't be caught. She found the two best friends tucked away in the corner, away from the bigger groups of people. Rafael had found her before she saw them, his eyes lit up at the sight of her, and what a sight is was to see her in thigh high boots and t-shirt dress that was so short it left little to his imagination. Y/n smiled timidly, she could see from his facial expression that he was thinking about ripping her clothes off. She knew that look all too well. He lent against the wall and pulled her into him and holding her close. The feeling of his strong arms made her feel so safe and the smell of her favourite cologne on him had her weak at the knees. She was really surprised that she couldn't smell the all too familiar scent of weed on him.   
"Hey you." She spoke softly in his ear.   
"Hi." He tightened his arms around her, "it's been a minute, I've missed you."  
She smiles to herself, at least the feeling was mutual. She pulled back and turned. "Hey Diggs."   
He only nodded at her in response, his eyes closed.   
"He's a man of few words tonight, he wanted to get white girl wasted, and I think he's achieved that." Rafael spoke with pride about his best friend and Y/n laughed in response. He grabbed her hand to turn her back to him pulling her close to him with that same primal look in his eyes. "You look absolutely fantastic tonight Y/n. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw you."   
"Shut up." Y/n felt her cheeks heat up and she tried to be coy, even though she felt really good about her look tonight. She moved even closer to him, and put one of his legs in between hers which made her dress ride up slightly. Rafael seemed to catch this and looked down, Y/n following where his eyes went. It was as if no time had passed at all and they slipped back into their groove. She heard the gulp he made as he continued to talk. "No really baby, it should illegal for you to wear that around me, the things I want to do to you..." He trailed off lost in thought but brushed his hand up her leg slowly, teasingly and it sent a shiver down Y/n's back.   
Y/n's liquid courage took over. "You want to come back to mine."   
He smiled at her, "best offer I've had in months."   
  
From an outside perspective, they just looked like a regular couple. However from the perspective of her friends who were only a stone's throw away from the two, watching the scene play out they couldn't help but feel disappointed. They really thought Y/n had been doing better and they wanted to interfere, stop her from relapsing again, but they knew when she was this drunk it would only cause an argument and push her further into his arms. They watched as they touched each other and smiled like teenagers. They watched as Rafael got Daveed up and mobile enough to go back inside to their friends. He left Y/n for all of thirty seconds and they witnessed as the two stumbled passed them completely engrossed in one another. Just like they disappeared, just as they had so many times before, many moths ago.  
  
They were hungry for one another, this had been longest they had gone without any contact since they had met. Rafa was on top of Y/n within seconds of entering her room. He attacked her body with his mouth, kissing everywhere that wasn't covered by her clothes. Y/n's head was fuzzy with pleasure feeling as though this had been the missing piece in her life. Rafa lifted his head from her neck to meet her lips again.   
"I love you." He whispered in between kisses.   
"I love you too." She returned in a breathless tone, without any hesitation.   
He sat up and pulled her with him, removing his rather tight shirt off and giving Y/n a chance to drink him with her eyes as she caught her breath. He gave her a devilish grin as he pulled her to him. "Take everything except those boots off for me please baby." He spoke in a low tone. Y/n did as he asked and everything he asked of her that night. This night could be added to the countless others that started and ended the same way. Something about this time though, something felt different. Maybe it was the space and the not talking but they seemed to want each other even more than they had before.   
  
When Y/n woke up the next morning he was still there, awake and sober playing with her hair while scrolling on his phone, just like it was a regular Sunday morning. Like they had never broken up. Y/n didn't feel the heavy pang of regret and stupidity and enjoyed Rafa being there. She leant up to him and gave him a soft and loving kiss, which surprised him. He hadn't realised she was awake and he certainly wasn't expecting such a warm welcome to him still being there.   
"Morning." He said, sleep still clear in his voice. "Do you want me to leave?"  
Y/n shook her head and pulled him down so she could hug him, he happily held her in his arms. Y/n seemed to have a sudden realisation in that moment as she took in his scent again. "Were you sober last night?" She asked in total shock.   
Rafa hid his face in the crook of her neck and nodded. "Uhh… yeah I have been sober for six months now."   
"Really? Rafa that's amazing. I'm so happy for you." Y/n spoke with total sincerity and no one spoke for a long time. Y/n was very aware that six months ago they had slept together for the last time and her mind began racing.   
"Y/n." He broke her out of her thought.  
"Hmm."   
"Look there's something I want to say. I don't really know what I am expecting but can I just… speak for a bit."   
"Of course."   
Rafa took a deep breath in. "Okay, first of all I need to follow my steps and I need to apologise to you for everything I put you through as a result of my addiction. You really tried to do everything to keep me above water and I hurt you, over and over. The last night that we slept together I realised how much damage I had caused and I knew I had to stop sleeping with you so that we could both mend ourselves. I could see last night how much you have changed and grown, you looked even more amazing. I did everything I could to fix myself, I cut all the drink and drugs out, I cut out all the bad in my life. All those guys you always said were bad news, I even went to therapy to get a handle on my mental health." He spoke so quickly that Y/n had a hard time keeping up but he finally took a breath and continued. "I did this because I wanted to make myself a better man so that if we ever got the opportunity and if you ever wanted to speak to me again I would be in a place to value you for how amazing you really are. I don't know if you want us still but I definitely do and when you said you loved me back last night I felt like I had a little hope to hold on to."   
Y/n sat in silence for a couple of minutes so stunned by his words. He stared at her, worried he had ruined the good mood until she looked back at him with a smile on her face that made his heart falter. She threw herself into him and he caught her, engulfing her in his arms.   
She broke their silence. "We always come back to each other right?"   
He smiled at her, the memory of that night came flooding back to him. "Every time." 


End file.
